The Friendship Factor by Alan Loy McGinnis

Here are some great lessons that I learned from The Friendship Factor

Assign top priority to your relationships

Cultivate transparency

• If we build more windows and fewer walls we will have more friends.

I must make an intentional decision to give my opinion on as little as possible.

• Giving your opinions on everything in the name of ‘honesty’ is a foolhardy way to live.
• Part of prudence as well as courtesy to keep our opinions to our self.

“Our opinion of people depends less upon what we see in them than upon what they make us see in themselves”

Speak ill of no man, but speak all the good you know of everybody.

Learn the gestures of Love

Build great rituals into our family life.

One of the best ways to deepen a friendship is by eating together.

Accumulate good memories by helping a friend with a task.

The art of giving gifts

The ripple effect of kindness

Someone has said that the test of great men and woman is the way they treat little people.

Develop the habit of looking for gestures that build goodwill, kindliness, love and appreciation.

Create space in your relationships

My goal in every encounter and conversation must be to build people up.

• They must feel better about themselves when they are in my presence.

Be cautious with criticism

People have a way of becoming what you encourage them to be not nag them to be.

God himself does not propose to judge a man until his life is over.

Employ the language of acceptance

Listen without judging.

• “Interesting, tell me more about it?”
• “I’d be interested to hear your point of view?”
• “This seems like something important to you”

Encourage people’s uniqueness.

Your loved ones will have unique projects and if you love them you will love their projects.

In all our relationships we move together and apart at various times, like a dance.

Children are not properties to own and rule over, but gifts to cherish and care for.

Children will increase whatever behavior gets them attention, even if it’s negative attention.

If you train your mind to search for the positive aspects in other people, you will be surprised at how many good things you can observe in them and comment upon.

The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

Schedule leisurely breaks for conversation.

The secret of being interesting is to be interested. When you ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering and you encourage people to talk about themselves An astonishing kind of connection usually occurs.

‘The road to the heart is the ear.’ Voltaire

Good listeners

1. Listen with their eyes.

2. Dispense advice sparingly.

• Don’t give people advice unless they ask for it.
• Sometimes you shouldn’t even give it when they ask for it.

3. Never break an confidence

4. Thank those who are open with them.

Tears are the noble language of the eye.

A personal relationship is not predicated on solutions to problems or answers to questions. Our top goal should be to understand each other, to get close to each other, experience each other.

Talk about your feelings and not your friend’s faults.

Stick to one topic.

Allow your friend to respond.

• If you are unhappy with someone you have the right to express it,
• But you also have the responsibility to stay and hear the other side.

A true apology is more than an acknowledgement of a mistake.

• It is recognition that something you have said or done has damaged a relationship and that you care enough about the relationship to want it repaired and restored.

Quotes

Criticism

Right now I am having so much trouble with D L Moody I don’t have time to find fault with the other fellow.

Listening

‘The road to the heart is the ear.’ Voltaire

Crying

Crying opens the lungs, washes the countenance, exercises the eyes and softens down the temper.

Tears are the noble language of the eye.

It's Your Ship

It's Your Ship by Micael Abrashoff is one of the best books - on getting people engaged and taking ownerships at work – that I have ever read. Michael Abrashoff is an absolute master at this.

He would constantly tell his crew, this is your ship and you are responsible for it. By helping them taking ownership of ‘their ship’ they went from being the worst to the best ship in the US Navy in about 2 years’ time.

He did so by…

1. Listening aggressively. (Every leader needs big ears.)
2. Opening himself up for criticism.
3. Being there for the crew.
4. Seeing the ship from their perspective.
5. Expressing to each crew member how important they are.
6. Helping people realize their full potential.
7. Motivating them too work with passion, enthusiasm and energy.
8. Making it rewarding for them to express themselves and their ideas.
9. Training them to think and make their own judgments.
10. Training each crew member to master their job.
11. Empowering them to fix the ship themselves.
12. Constantly asking the crew, ‘Is there a better way to do what you do?’
13. Making every encounter with every person on the ship the most important thing at that moment.
14. Looking for results and not salutes.
15. Communicating purpose and meaning.

What are some things that you have found to be helpful in helping people to be engaged and taking ownership on all fronts?

Six silence and violence behaviors to look for in yourself and others

1. Withdrawing
2. Avoiding
3. Masking
4. Controlling
5. Labeling
6. Attacking

Easy to see in others, not always to easy to see in ourselves. How do you do on these ones and in what way? I tend to be guilty of 4, 5 & 6.

Book Review: Death by Meeting - Patrick Lencioni

The book is written in the story of a fable and gives some great examples of how to bring energy, creativity, drama and effectiveness to your meetings.

Reading it was sobering and eye opening. I find meetings that I chair very beneficial because it is an easy way for me to gather information and get up to speed with everything happening around the organization, but what about those that attend the meetings? Are my meetings conducted in such a way as to engage everyone in it? Do I lead it in a way that people look forward to it?

According to Lencioni (and I am convinced of his case) meetings can be conducted in a dynamic, passionate and focused way that can bring about synergy, creativity and collaborative action plans. He also gives some great ideas as to how to set it into motion. It is certainly an easy and worthwhile read.

Crucibles of Leadership

‘What exactly is a crucible? In medieval times it was the vessel in which alchemists attempted to turn base metals into gold. In a leadership context, then, we can think of a crucible as a transformative experience from which a person extracts his or her "gold” – a new or altered sense of identity.’

** Quoted from "Crucibles Of Leadership”.

Personally I felt this book should have been an article and not a book, but it certainly had a few great points worth sharing:

We need to learn from all our crucible leadership experiences.

What do I learn about myself, my way of leading, my character, my strengths and my weaknesses?

While experience matters, what matters more is what we make of experience.

The ability to find meaning and strength in adversity distinguishes leaders from non-leaders. When terrible things happen, the less able people feel singled out, powerless, and even victimised. But leaders find purpose and resolve.

It is the leader's job to reshape and reframe tension, finding an angle or a lens through which the current reality can be reshaped into a healthier and more productive outcome.

Practice can Trump talent.

Although some form of talent is required in order to lead, it is practice that ultimately wins the day. We cannot just shoot from the hip - we have to practice to lead well. And we have to be very intentional about this. Too often we depend on natural talent only instead of developing the talent we have been given.

Talent plays a role, undoubtedly, but it is a supporting role. No amount of native talent can prepare a leader for the infinite variety of circumstances he will face or the challenges he must surmount. No gene for resilience ensures that gems of wisdom will suddenly appear at the turmoil of a crucible.

Talent is rarely enough to explain who becomes an imminent performer. Chess masters, for instance, differ from beginners not because they are blessed with superior memory or because of the way their brains are wired, but because they have what researchers described as "a rich store of familiar moves”. In other words, they have played more matches and therefore have literally seen more patterns and the strategies associated with them.

Both helplessness and resilience can be learned.

Some great quotes:

"Success is how high you bounce when you hit the bottom."

~ General George S Patton.

"The fight is won or lost far away from the witnesses, behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights."

~ Muhammad Ali

“The man who carries a cat by the tail learns something that can be learned in no other way."

~ Mark Twain

Jack Welch's 6 Rules

1. Control your destiny, or someone else will.

You have to be intentional about where you are going as an organisation. If you don’t set the direction and chart the course, nature (usually mediocrity) will take over.

2. Face reality as it is, not as it was or as you wish it were.

Where are things at in your organisations? Not what was it like or what do you hope it to be, but what is the reality and what are you going to do about it?

3. Be candid with everyone.

Call a spade a spade. Don’t tap dance around issues. Say it as it is. (This does not mean be harsh or nasty, just candid.)

4. Don’t manage, lead.

Don’t keep the boat afloat, chart the course.

5. Change before you have to.

Don’t play catch up, always be a step ahead of the game.

6. If you don’t have a competitive advantage, don’t compete.

Focus on what you are good at and can continue to be good at.

The Vital Importance of Self-Leadership

1 Sam. 30:1-8

David is a young leader just learning how to lead his troops into battle. And God is pouring his favour on David by allowing the largest part of the battle to turn out to David’s advantage.

The men came home from another day of fighting only to find that, while they were fighting on the one front, the enemy came from another front and took captive their wives and children, moved them to another location, and burned all their belongings.

This was a terrible and testing day in the ministry for David. He was crushed. His family was taken to an unknown place and all of his belongings have been reduced to ashes.

What is worse is his soldiers are tired, weary and worried sick about their families. They are angry at God and fed up of David’s leadership, saying things like “this is all your fault” and they even started talking about stoning him.

David looked at the leadership compass (if you may) and accesses who most needs leadership in this particular moment. There is no one above him. Those below him hate him. There are no colleagues on the side. His answer? None of the above.

He realizes in this critical moment that he must lead himself. His is going to have to do something about his own condition. It wouldn’t make sense to even attempt to lead the people around or below him. He is tired, he is confused, he is anxious and he is warned out.

So what does he do? The bible says “he went off to find his strength in God”.

With God’s help, David could once again lead himself to a position of strength. Only then could he fire up the troops, only then could they muster the faith and courage to pursue the enemy and bring back their wives and children for a time of rejoicing.

But how important is self-leadership?

Let me ask this in another way. How effectively are you going to lead anybody if your spirit is sagging, if your courage is wavering and your vision (or should I say, your ability to see the future) is fuzzy?

Self-leadership is incredibly important. As leaders we should carefully calculate how much time and energy we invest in ourselves.

A couple of years ago author Daniel Goleman wrote a book called Emotional Intelligence. Since releasing that book, Goleman has been spending most of his time analyzing leaders trying to figure out why only a few leaders reach their fullest potential and why the rest plato and actually fail from reaching that potential.

Do you know what he concluded after studying this for a couple of years? The single greatest distinguishing factor between good leaders and great leaders has something to do with self-leadership, with emotional self-control.

It comes down to questions like these:

What is the leader’s ability to…

· Navigate through the highs and lows of leadership?

· Overcome personal discouragement?

· Maintain sober mindedness in a crisis?

· Keep ego at bay at all times?

· Stay focused on life’s mission?

Exceptional leaders reach their fullest potential because of exceptional self-leadership.

How much time are you putting into developing yourself?

As you read the first couple of chapters of the book of Mark, you will notice how incredibly busy Jesus was with the ministry. He was training the twelve, teaching the people, and healing people with all kinds of diseases and sicknesses.

But in the midst of all the chaos and activity, you constantly see him taking time out for prayer, fasting, solitude and reflection.

He spent 40 days in the desert to just square himself off.

You see him doing great and awesome things and then you see him up on the mountainside again - always making sure that he is in a good position to lead himself.

Jesus was able to establish an incredible rhythm.

From a personal perspective it almost seems like he was practicing the art of self-leadership.

He often withdrew for times of prayer, fasting and reflection, and he reminded himself of who he was. How much his father loved him and what his marching orders were. And how important it was for him to fulfill his redemptive mission and not get distracted.

It is my opinion that even Jesus had to regularly invest time in keeping his calling clear and preventing discouragement from creeping in.

Self-leadership is a tough job. So tough that most leaders avoid spending time in developing themselves! And rather defer their energy and efforts by trying to control the behaviours of other people.

Controlling our own attitudes and behaviours are simply too demanding.

So why don’t we just make it easier by trying to control the behavior, attitude and actions of those below us? Because when we do, we don’t have to look at ourselves and our own struggles, temptations, flaws and issues.

But there is a price tag to this decision. Because when you avoid the discipline of self-leadership, you do so to your own detriment.

The question is not whether you will pay the price, but much rather, when you will pay the price and how much it will cost you.

Some years ago a top Christian leader disqualified himself from ministry and here is how a published article described his demise:

Reverent so and so sank like a rock, beat up, burned out, angry and depressed. No good to himself and no good to the people he loved.

When the pastor finally wrote about what happened to him, he himself explained it this way:

“Eventually I couldn’t sleep at night. Another wave of broken lives would come to shore at our church and I found that I did not have enough compassion for them anymore. And inside I was angry. Angry, angry, angry!! Many people still wondered what happened to me. They think I had a crisis of faith. The fact is I simply collapsed on the inside.’

In context of what we are talking about right now, he failed the self-leadership test.

He should have taken time out. He should have regrouped. He should have gone to the mountain. He should have recalibrated. Maybe he needed a sabbatical or a spiritual retreat even. He lost his emotional self control and wrecked his life because of it. We all know that his situation is not unique and it can just as easily happen to us.

Everything comes down to self-leadership.

We need to continually ask ourselves these kind of questions:

1. Is my calling sure?

Each of has a calling and we need to live it out. No one can figure out or sort out my calling on my behalf. It’s got to be me. It is absolutely critical for the leader to know their calling from God. What is it that God wants me to do? Why has he placed me on earth?

2. Is my vision clear?

And is it crystal clear? How can I lead people into the future if my picture of the future is cloudy or fuzzy? I’ve got to know where I am going. And it is my responsibility to keep my vision clear? Mine alone.

3. Is my passion burning hot?

And is it burning so hot that it ignites people around me? This too is my responsibility.

I need to figure out what pours fresh fuel on my passion-fire.

On a personal level, this keeps my passion burning hot: Listening to sermons of various speakers, spending time with those who are ahead of me in the faith, attending conferences, reading books on leadership or people’s journey with God, and mentoring others and helping people become Christians. What is it that keeps your passion burning hot? I urge you to find out what it is and then pursue it at all cost.

4. Is my character fully submitted to Christ?

Is my pride subdued? Is it? Is my own ego messing with my ministry decisions? Are my fears at bay? Or do I let my worries and anxieties creep into the leadership picture? Is my psychological baggage effecting current ministry decisions? Are my ears open to the whispering of the Holy Spirit? Do I live in a way that affords God the opportunity to prompt me? Is my pace sustainable? Am I moving too slow or am I moving at all? Is my heart for God increasing or decreasing?

In conclusion, we simply have to invest a huge portion of our time and energy focusing on self-leadership. And we also have to be ruthlessly honest with ourselves as we reflect on these questions.

Why is this so important? Because, when you have squared yourself with God, when you are a man or woman after God’s own heart, when your vision is clear and your passion is burning hot, when your character is strong, when your baggage of the past isn’t affecting your decisions, and when you are listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit… then satan should watch out!! Because you will be a force to be reckoned with.

Remember, the best gift you can give your family, your bible talk, and your church, is a healthy, fully energized, fully engaged, surrendered self.

* Taken from a lesson by Bill Hybels (with some adjustments).